No Matter What it Takes

whatever it takes, apologizing, apologize, beautiful life

Hey friends! Happy Friday. It’s pushing 1am here but I just had to write. I haven’t written in awhile (blah!) but I’ve wanted to. Here’s the curveball though – I’m not going to apologize for that. You see, the other night for some random reason, I went to my blog and I started clicking on random articles since its inception. It was shocking how they all had one main thing in common: I was sorry. I was sorry for not writing and going off on how I would be a terrible blogger (that’s not wrong…); there was a lot of apologizing for my decisions and for hurting people. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made mistakes and some of those guys very well may have deserved an apology but I’m done.

When I say I’m done I don’t mean that I’m done making mistakes. Heck, it doesn’t even mean that I’m done apologizing. I honestly believe I apologize for stuff 5-10 times per day. I apologize mainly over things not in my control. What I am done with is apologizing for who I am.

I look back at some of those articles and I see both the best and the worst in myself. I see a girl who wanted to be sweet and caring and never wanted anyone to get hurt and I also see a woman who was out to do damage control. Perhaps I said what I needed to say because those thoughts no longer weigh on me. The more I reflect on it, the more it was a form of closure. I always wanted this blog to be therapeutic for me and maybe it has been just that.

I have started writing a new chapter. The chapter after The Next Chapter.

I’m not sure what to call it yet but I’m sure I’ll come up with something.  I did quite a bit of reviewing my last chapters and I came to the surprising realization that, put bluntly, I don’t work towards the goals I set. I even wrote an article about it earlier this year. I’m not sure I’m even pacing to hit one of my five goals this year – and I had some great, well thought out, relevant to the life I want to live goals! The great news though, is that there are still 4 full months left in this year – and it’s never to late to turn the ship around.

I’ve started working out and making my health a priority. Back in January I was barely able to walk. I was at the chiropractor 2-3 times a week and even saw my regular doctor who prescribed me muscle relaxers and pain pills. Nothing was working. It was frustrating and I could barely sleep and even worse, I could barely get out of bed in the morning. At the end of June I started working out- at the recommendation of my chiropractor – to strengthen my core. I’m now to the point where I work out 6 days a week and actually feel crappy if I don’t work out. The pounds aren’t flying off like I wish they would, but I now weigh less than I did at the beginning of the year and I’ve lost a handful of inches off my body. This is just the beginning.

I’ve also really focused on what I eat. I haven’t drank cows milk in probably close to two years. I really want to make a conscious effort to be completely cruelty free. It’s hard. It’s really, really hard – but it’s to the point where I feel guilty and like a horrible person when I eat meat and I just can’t live that life anymore.

My newest focus is on respecting myself again. I’ve been pulled in a lot of directions lately and have had multiple people telling me how to live my life. It’s caused so much extra stress in my life that quite frankly, I shouldn’t have to deal with. In the words of my OGBFF, “your opinion is neither desired, nor required.” If mic drop were a thing back in those days, it would have followed that saying. I’m gonna drop a truth bomb right here: I just cannot juggle all of it anymore and if you wanna walk out, I will show you the door. It may sound harsh but I cannot lose my sanity trying to preserve a relationship. With that being said, I am done passively blogging about my struggles. I’m not apologizing for being human. I’m going to make my life a beautiful one and I’m going to be happy! I am going to be unapologetically happy.

I’m going to read more. When Sarah and I were in Europe I read 5 books in 3 weeks. She hated it because at the end of the first 3 I ugly cried. Whatever, Sarah! I’m also going to write more. Maybe here, maybe some of my scrips, or my story of my first 25 years (that’ll only be 4 years late). Some days I’ll probably only color, but I need this “me time” and I need to make it a priority.

I am using stuff up! Let me tell you how great this one feels. I have so much stuff – like body lotion, soap, pens. They bring me joy. It brings me greater joy though to use everything up. I mean REALLY use it up. Every. Last. Drop. It is so satisfying. Plus, it’s a great way to save money, which is something I am also trying to do. For example, I cut my face primer bottle and was able to get at least a weeks worth of product out! I normally just throw it away – but not anymore. There may be an article about this because it really deserves its own.

Fun fact about using stuff up – it also is great for me. I’ve been using lotion every time I get out of the shower for the last year and a half – my skin hasn’t been softer. I’ve applied facial masks. My nails have been painted more in the last two months than they have been the rest of the year. And by golly it makes me feel pretty!

This has been a rant but I’m not apologizing.

apologizing, beautiful lifeYou have no idea how much just writing has helped me tonight. My thoughts are all over the place. I know though that if I keep writing, my thoughts will slowly become more organized and I’ll be able to write better articles. Once upon a time I wanted to write to monetize this blog. I wanted to have my friends write articles on here and really build it up. That’s really not important anymore now. What’s important is that I have a space where I can release thoughts and get them outside of my head. So thanks for being here and giving this a read. It’s gonna be a journey and I’m excited to see where it takes me.

xoxo, Star