January 7th: Memories

At almost twenty six years old, I have a lot of memories. I have some amazing memories and I have memories of hurting some innocent people pretty badly. I have memories of laughing so hard I peed my pants and I have memories of crying so hard that it hurts. There are some memories that I look back on and smile and there are so many memories that I recall and have to take such a deep breath because the pain of the memory is so intense that it physically hurts. Much like I said in my first post on this 31 day adventure though, I would keep them all because each and every single one makes me the person that I am today.

memoriesI remember fond times like sitting at Granddad’s bakery in Hartford after a chiropractor appointment with my mom and both my sisters talking about then number of boyfriend we each had had. Being as young as I was my answer was definitely a zero but don’t discount my huge crush on Jeremy Bence! My mom was eating a peanut square like always and I don’t remember my treat but I definitely also had chocolate milk. Granddad’s bakery no longer exists, nor does any sort of relationship between my mother and older sister. That will always be stored in the good memory pile.

Then there are memories like getting sexually assaulted in college and being thrown in to a wall and bleeding. We’ll throw that in the bad memory pile. I fell in absolute love in high school- the kind of love that takes years to get over. Or at least it took me years because every time I came home from college I found myself hanging out with him. Like the summer we went to Stonebank Fireman’s Park late at night and he had margarita slushies in the trunk of his car that we drank until a cop showed up and we were forced to run off and hide. Depending on the day, that memory brings back all sorts of emotion. Sometimes I smile, sometimes it makes me sad and other days I take a deep breath and push it far out of my mind.

Out of all my childhood memories, my favorite will likely always be singing the bumblebee song with my dad. Memories as a child were mostly positive save for my parents divorce whereas for a period in my life the ratio is closer to 50:50. The are some memories that will be told as stories forever and ever, and there are memories that hurt me so much that I might not even talk about if you asked me about them directly. Just know that in some of my memories I am in fact the bad guy, which makes the memory all the more painful and for those that I did wrong, I am so incredibly sorry and I hope I one day have the strength to apologize to you directly instead of behind the screen of a computer.


P.S. if any of you know whatever happened to Jeremy Bence, I am totally interested in knowing!