I’d like to have a little chat about two very important words. One is important in general and the other is important to me. The problem with these words are that they are taken for granted until they are overly abused and become unattainable for future friends and lovers. These words are Love and Trust.
I have always believed in love. And I have been given a lot of reasons not to. My parents divorced when I was seven years old. I watched as my mother paraded men in and out of my sisters and my life. I watched my older sister get divorced and my brother destroy a marriage. I’ve had my heart broken and I still haven’t given up. But there have been times when I’ve wanted to. Now is one of those times.
This has been the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. I even stayed in this town after graduation when I had plans to move to a big city and have now lived with him for over a year. Like every relationship, we have our ups and downs. Real life is not like the movies. At least not any movie I was watching. Lately, there have been a lot of downs. I’ve spent maybe two hours with my boyfriend in the last four days. And the L word has been uttered by him once, after I said it first. I’ve come to the conclusion this can mean one of two things: A) we’re about to break up B) he’s going to propose and doesn’t want to blow his cover by being overly sappy. There has been pressure on him lately to get engaged- from his friends and a touch from me. I’m not so sure it will happen though- mainly because that would require him to commit to something and whenever he got to that stage in his prior relationships- they ended.
It’s rough not to feel loved. Ok let me back up a second, I am loved. I am loved by a lot of people very much. But I want my boyfriend to love me. I often fear that people only like me until they get to know me. Guys that it, this fear doesn’t pertain to my female friends.
Speaking of female friends, let’s get to that T word. To begin, I don’t trust people very easily at all. This speaks to my parents getting divorced and my sister and I were never sure which parent was telling the truth and which was lying. So I never believed either of them. So began my trust issues. I dated a guy that pretended to be someone completely different than who he actually was and when our relationship wasn’t what it seemed I was devastated. My lack of trust in people became especially relevant when I was a freshman in college. I had told one of my guy friends something and he turned around and told one of my girlfriends. The subject was something that I didn’t want revealed about me yet and it was then that I realized I needed to be especially cautious with whom I told my secrets.
My freshman year of college was when I started to test my friendships. I would make something up and tell one of my friends. If they told anyone (which they did and I always found out, the friendship was over.) One of these such situations actually led me to get to know Katie who is obviously now my best friend. Let me illustrate. There was a guy on Anna’s* floor who was incredibly attractive (and in a relationship). Well I was to the point where I had a feeling that Anna was talking smack about me. So Katie, myself, handsome guy and his roommate decided to make up a story where handsome guy (HG) and I made out. So while Anna was showering, Katie and I walked in to the bathroom and I told her that HG and I had made out. We talked about his relationship and how he was going to end it to be with me and blah, blah, blah. Well, believe it or not as soon as Anna got out of the shower she was telling people- she even told HG’s roommate. So I called her out on it and told her we had all planned the whole thing to catch her in her backstabbing. Friendship over. Was it mean? I suppose it probably was. Was it uncalled for? Absolutely not. Anna and I have not talked since and we probably never will again. I don’t need people that I can’t trust and who are going to talk about me behind my back when we are supposed to be friends.
I thought I was doing really well in the friendship department, but I thought wrong. Another Anna has appeared in my life that needs to be dealt with. Like most backstabbers, she tried to get incredibly close to me in a short period of time. In need of girlfriends, I welcomed the friendship. I should have been more cautious. Because over about a month period, Tabitha encouraged me to hook up with guys that were not my boyfriend- of course I didn’t but she doesn’t know that until this post will be released. Is this mean? Probably. But again my fears were relevant. The only problem with my deception this time is that we all work together. Well, she has started to tell people that we work with of my “affair” and it has come back to me. Fortunately, other people, and the guys, were in on this and have denied everything, as have I- because of course it’s not true. My lie has been contained but the knowledge of her two-faced-ness is spreading like wildfire. How could she pretend to be my friend yet talk smack about me to people that we work with? I have found out that among people we work with that I’m not the first she has done this to, there was one before me and there is someone she is doing it to now.
You can judge me if you like. I’m not apologizing for what I’ve done. I probably went about this the wrong way but I feel like I am a good judge of character and when you deceive me there is a price to pay. Losing my friendship and being written about in a post will not change these women’s ways; I’m aware of that. But these situations are good reminders to me to be more cautious of who I trust although it’s sad that it has to come to anything like this at all.
*names have not been changed because they are NOT innocent