When I started my blog almost two years ago it was therapeutic. I wanted clarity and to write everything down and maybe, kinda-sorta my life would start to make sense once I wrote everything down. In some ways it absolutely did- it allowed me to reveal emotions and feelings that I had been keeping in and by saying them “out loud” I was granted a sort of freedom.
If nothing else, Timehop will tell you how much I’ve changed. But I’ve changed more than just my social media presence. I’ve completed almost a 180 with my life.
Reading through any of my blog posts will likely reveal how unhappy I was. I was searching for something more and hoping that I could eventually reveal it to myself. I haven’t posted anything recently because I’ve been happy. I’ve been incredibly happy and incredibly busy. I have refocused my priorities and I have removed a lot of people from my life in the process- both people that I loved greatly and people I thought I loved. Oh, and a lot of people who were beyond toxic. I’m no longer going to ask anyone to go on my journey with me. You either will or you won’t; the choice is now on your shoulders. I don’t have time to worry if you want to be friends with me or not.
Instead of being aloof like I was in so many of my other posts I’ll just come out and say it: I’m the prodigal son. Yes, I have returned home to my Heavenly Father. I have refocused my life around religion and I have benefited immensely.
1) I was taking anti-anxiety medicine since October of 2009, as of a few months ago my doctor has not only cut my dosage in half but he’s scaling me off it and I’ll be completely off it by the end of the summer.
2) I constantly complained about my job. I still complain about it but instead of dwelling on it I decide to focus on the amazing things in my life and what I can do to improve the situation.
3) I stopped swearing. I cut ties with people who were toxic because I’ve found amazing new friends whose goals align with mine and are encouraging and up building.
4) I’ve stopped getting drunk. It’s amazing to wake up without feeling like crap and not have to spend a lot of money. Instead of spending money at the bar I can spend it going to painting classes and drinking wine with my new friends. Plus, I don’t have to worry about finding a sober driver because our get togethers never get out of control. I always know what I’ve done and don’t have to ask my friends what I did the night before.
5) I’ve stopped pursuing guys and am abstaining from sex until I get married. I’m not going to meet someone at a bar and marry them- I’m just not. I wanted to marry Keaton with all my heart but we are no longer going down the same path. I’m looking for someone ‘only in the Lord’ and want to give myself to them when we make the commitment to be together forever. I’ve had my heart broken so many times it isn’t funny. Sometimes the heartbreak lasted a few days and in one case it lasted for years. I don’t want to put myself though that and I know God wants better for me as well. The original plan when I was growing up- and until 19- was to wait until I got married to have sex. Things changed and I strayed far off that path. Not only has my heart been hurt but I know I’ve broken many hearts. That isn’t my goal- that was never my goal. So now I’m going to drastically reduce the chances of it happening. My relationship is going to be with God for the foreseeable future and I’m going to work on my relationship with Him.
I don’t expect many to understand my choice. Which is fine because it’s exactly that: mine. If you want to remove me as a friend on social media, that’s your prerogative.
I tried to live my life the way I thought was best and it didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. Now I’ll go back to God’s plan for my life. So far it’s been pretty great and my health- both mental and physical has improved without question. I know that He isn’t going to lead me astray and He’s truthfully the only one that can help me to turn my future in to what I want it to be.
Trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways take notice of him and he will make your paths straight. – Proverbs 3:5,6